It has been difficult preparing for this trip with my great friend Tom. Tom gained my interest in this adventure after he showed me photos and thought we should fly into Vegas and travel east in a rented sleeper van and stop at several way-points like Zion, Bryce and Grand Canyon before the registered event in Monument Valley.
The difficult part is not my complete excitement for traveling with Tom, which i have done before, or the fact that i have never been to this part of the country, or the expense, or the planning, or any other factor other than the issues i face regarding my Dad's health.
Even though i have discussed all of this with my Dad, and he knows my plan to adventure in Utah and supports my going and living life the way i have chosen it is still very difficult. My Dad's life is nearing an end. He is terminal and it has been very difficult accepting this fact, but it IS a fact and it IS going to happen.
Even with this known fact my Dad still supports my adventures. I guess he must see it as things he was never able to do in his life time or maybe he sees that he has lived his life to it's fullest and wishes me to do the same or maybe he just doesn't want me to miss out on lifes opportunities! Whatever the reason, it is difficult to prepare for this adventure.
I realize what i feel is difficult is fear. Not fear of the adventure or the travel or expense or unknown as that is what i live for, it is the fear of losing my dad and the fact that i know he is dying. My Dad has entrusted me to assure that his final wishes and moments are as he planned and wants them to be and i intend to honour his wishes as best i can and make sure i don't screw it up. That is my fear, is NOT to screw it up.
I have decided that i may never know if i honoured his every wish until the day 'I" die. I am not a religious man, although, i was born and raised Catholic, but i have put thought into whether there are answers to life's long questions awaiting at the end of my life? Is it possible these questions will be answered some day, maybe by my Dad, or maybe my late Mom or brother, who knows. For know i do my best to be the man my Dad helped make me. I honour him because he is my Dad and it was he who molded me to be who i am today, right or wrong, good or bad, but honest, caring, giving and i'd like to believe somewhat humble.
He has lived a very fulfilled and incredible life. He has survived every member of his immediate family, has had to watch them all pass before him. He has even watched his first born son pass at the age of 5, i can't even imagine what that might have felt like.
He has survived to see many Grandchildren arrive to this human life and eventually many Great Grandchildren as well and he has loved them all with every once of his being even though they were distances away and could not see them often.
A man of great love, even though distant, still a great love that never faded. Very strong and true.
In this time difficult time, i find myself wandering. I wander in my mind, i wander in my home, i wander in the woods, i wander with my family. All through this i have one sacred time of wandering that brings me the most peace......it's wandering on the trails with my friends. My friends.
I ask myself what can do more for him? It is to continue to love and care for him regardless of what it may bring, no matter what the end will bring. Steadfast and true i must be. Find my peace with friends, wander, be free, adventure and it is there i will find peace for me.
The day will come when i hold his hand, say goodbye and set him free, to wherever he goes his next adventure will be.
I will travel to Utah to Monument Valley where the Navajo roam, find the spirits to bring him home. It is there i hope to find my peace, running through the valleys of mountains deep.
Dad, it is there i will set you free to find your last adventure and leave you behind but your memory will never stop, as i will always think of you in heaven on every mountain top.